Hinduism has the concept of samskaras, which can be thought of as tendencies shaped by previous experience toward forming a particular understanding of experience, or toward a particular behavior.
We are mostly concerned here with those samskaras which bring about circumstances in life we would not willingly choose for but subconsciously invite regardless.
Consider a woman in her early 30s, Anne, who lives in a house with roommates, who complains about feeling left out. She is not included in house activities, nobody particularly engages her or misses her when she's not around.
During childhood, Anne grew up with a dad prone to angry, alcohol-inspired tirades and a submissive, loving mother who lived in constant fear of her husband's volatile moods but stuck around for the sake of the family. Anne learned to emotionally withdraw, like her mother, which gave rise to a coping personality that stays quiet, doesn't risk standing out, and doesn't really engage in the world around her because it legitimately wasn't safe for her to do growing up.
Now, many years later, with tendencies toward emotional withdrawl—like roots—firmly established, Anne avoids contact with her roommates, avoids conversations, avoids opportunities to connect and help out around the house. It's not that her roommates don't try to engage her—they do—it's just that they gave up after some time when they realized Anne wants to be left alone.
So, as a result of her behavior, Anne is left alone. Being blind to her patterning, her samskaras, she falsely believes her roommates don't care about her and likewise externally blames, not realizing she brought in the very circumstances she would rather avoid.
The undoing of suffering boils down to making new choices.
Without awareness, this is theatric drama in the making. One day, Anne will likely take on the character of her dad, blow up, and lash out at her roommates. Her roommates will, if they are equally unaware, fire back. Anne will move out under grievous circumstances, suffering all the while, wondering why life is so hard, quite likely fated to repeat the situation again and again.
We all have versions of this issue.
The key is being aware of it, understanding all the ins and outs, as a mechanic would a car engine. The entry point into the awareness? Suffering.
Whenever we hurt, we have the opportunity to inquire into it. Why is this happening? Has it happened before? Could it be something about me? What could that be? Have I seen it before in my family? And on and on, until you have an AHA moment.
With awareness of the dynamics of the samskara, we then have the ability to intervene in the autopilot responses we developed in the past.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), the suffering in our life boils down to a choice we make. The undoing of suffering boils down to making new choices. New choices are not easy make. They're not meant to be. It similarly wasn't easy for some of the greatest artists to sit down and create the masterpieces they did.
But they did it anyway, regardless of how crummy or conflicted they might have felt in the moment of creation. They did it because they knew what the alternative was.
In the case of our self-defeating patterns, the choice is: continued suffering or liberation. Nobody else can make this choice. Others can only point it out, which in itself, can be cause for further suffering—there is no escape from yourself.
You would be surprised how often we choose suffering over liberation. This too, is OK. The apple drops from the tree when it is ripe enough, and not a moment sooner.